The funny thing about ADD is that it doesn’t make any sense at all. Right this moment, I’m actively avoiding my work (which was due several days ago — pneumonia to the rescue?). I actively am choosing to write this nonsense instead of the other nonsense I have a vested interest in writing. Yet I’m also, in the back of my mind, dreading the moment when I finally finish this monstrosity of an assignment, marking the end of the “crunch” and the beginning of a week-long lull before my final exam (my one and only!). I’m literally dreading it. It’s the most bizarre feeling; for as much as I resent having to exert mental energy to finish a complex, multi-step task such as this one, I don’t quite know where I’ll channel all my resentment and mental energy come next Thursday when it’s REALLY over. It used to be that stimulant medications made all kinds of things seem like complex, multi-step tasks that I could settle upon in the absence of an actual task. However, tasks like using a toothbrush to dust the baseboards, or implementing an effective filing system for all four of the bills that still come in the mail, have lost their appeal. I’ll probably spend most of the break staring idly off into space, in typical Strattera fashion, and perhaps abuse a variety of substances to avoid the boredom of a quiet, unchallenged mind.
Don’t get me wrong, ADD sucks and makes everything I do ten times harder than it is for everyone else. But I’m not looking forward to experiencing for the first time the unsettling tranquility of being, not bored, but boring.
I’m starting to worry that in suppressing my ADD symptoms, I’m erasing the only part of me that feels alive, alive and a part of the world.
The other funny thing about ADD is that the feeling will pass just as quickly as it came, probably before I even finish editing this posting.
And now, all I’m thinking about is pumpkin log and sticky buns and those ridiculous Pillsbury sugar cookies with the reindeer on them and for the love of Christ, there had better be Dram Buie. Maybe Christmas break won’t be so bad after all.